Local Girl Found Guilty of Hotness
Mark Thyrring

Ben Holberg, Staff Court Reporter
Tue Aug 27,11:19 AM ET

The brain of Ben Holberg ? A young woman who is incredibly attractive to the opposite sex was convicted Tuesday of being ?just unimaginably beautiful? in a closed trial held in my mind.

Julia Brookes, 19, from Sexycity, Sexystate, was the 234,567th person to be tried for sexiness in my imagination said the judge and lawyers for both sides, all of which were myself.

District Judge Me said he did not accept Brooke?s unspoken defense that she was just a regular girl, and not a mega-babe. Julia was first asked by way of raised eyebrows to give evidence in May, but her continual refusal prompted authorities to issue a formal summons several seconds later via a prolonged stare.

Prosecuting Attorney Me said Julia was clearly the most enchanting thing he had ever laid eyes on, and had a sharp mind and a keen sense of humor to boot.

"This was a major inquiry into the extreme attractiveness of a yourself,? Judge Me thought at Brookes, ?Your refusal to produce any evidence contrary to the charges has all but sealed your fate.?

The trial, which lasted only a few seconds, began in the prosecution?s favor and ended that way. Some of the more condemning pieces of evidence presented to the jury include Julia?s shoulder length, glossy, light-brown hair, bewitching eyes that seem to bore into the very core of one?s soul, and full, pouty lips. Major objections were raised by the defense when the prosecution attempted to use Julia?s apparent kindness, generosity, and intelligence as evidence of her attractiveness.

?What you are doing here is inferring from passing glances and exchanged looks that this girl is some kind of perfect human being,? Defense Attorney Me told the jury, ?We simply cannot do that.?

After a giving this some thought, Judge Me threw out all character evidence, but added ?Even if she?s a complete jerk, she?s still one fine lady!? He then banged his gavel and asked the jury to please reach a verdict.

The jury deliberated for six straight nanoseconds before reaching a unanimous verdict of guilty. Judge Me nodded in agreement and gave out his sentence.

?Miss Brookes, you have been found guilty of hotness by a trial of your peer. The evidence presented against you has been overwhelming. It is my opinion that you are the very essence of sexiness on this earth. That said, Julia Marie Brookes, I hereby sentence you to one date with me, Ben Holberg, at a location to be specified at a later hearing. The court is adjourned.?

Defense Attorney Me expressed little concern over the sentence. ?Judge Me is notorious for making hasty rulings. Almost all of his decisions are overturned. We?ll just have to take this case to appeals court. It?s what we have to do to keep ourself from looking like a jackass by asking out every girl I see.?