First-Class Stories, Part II
Part one is here.
Ham comes from pigs!
Pigs were originally from a magical realm of our collective imagination. They smiled a lot there. Big smiles! Smiles as large as watermelons or grizzly bears! They can't smile when they're dead, though.
Dead pigs give no smiles!
In 1234, anno domini, a young man from southern France arrived in the land of the pigs. No one is sure how he got there, but we do know the pigs smiled at him and he immediately surrendered and the pigs still smiled and then he probably died or something. He died with no pigs in his belly! Belly-pigs! Zut Alors!
The first man to die with pigs in his belly was Ferdinand El Tentaculos Del Caballeros who wandered into the pig-land when searching for unicorns. He was sad that he did not find unicorns in pig-land, but he was super-happy when a pig accidentally ended up in his mouth. What luck!
Soon thereafter, however, Ferdinand was gored by a unicorn from behind and promptly died. Since it was from behind, he was not aware that it was the elusive unicorn. It might as well have been a pair of oxen or sharpened pig shoes. The pigs were still smiling, though! Not much can get a pig down, especially not the death of a Spaniard. I give you my word as a Spaniard!
"No good," says the pig in my belly. "I have known too many Spaniards!"
After Ferdinand, it seemed as if everyone knew of the tasty-pig realm. Soon, pigs were being eaten left and right! Pigs on the left? Being eaten! Pigs on the right?
They were being eaten too!
Suddenly, the pigs became ham! It was similar to, if not exactly, magic! Or alchemy. Alchemy was a wondrous and amazing art that was very important and incorrect, as popular things are apt to be. People then put the ham into their mouths! Constantly!
Bon appetit, populace!
Soma oink oink oink oink oink ham!